Thursday, December 10, 2009

Sarah told me 5 minutes ago that she is leaving in 5 days.

I said "Fuck you" and walked out.

I went back and said "How in anybody's brain is this ok?"

"I didn't say it was ok."

"Fuck you. You just lost a life-long friend. All I need you for in the future is to get my shit out of storage when I get back to NY in April. After tonight, I don't want to see you ever again. Leave the key at the front desk when you leave."

And I ran straight to this internet cafe because right now is when I need to hear/read a familiar voice. I need the support of everyone right now.

I am reeling. If I were a good writer, I could write a book about this day, this moment. It's amazing how many things you can think and feel in one moment. I am trying to silently cry in this internet cafe, struggling to keep in the sobs that are going to be freed approximately 10 minutes after I leave this cafe on the most deserted part of beach I can quickly find.

My life is not supposed to be this dramatic.

I am overwhelmed. How does a girl, how does a best friend, do this? How has she known that she was going to do this and not tell me in the 19 hours we've been together? In the countless hours before that? How was she so spiteful to me when she knew she was going to throw this at me? You'd think if you had this kind of bomb to drop you would be unfailingly nice to the person you supposedly cared about previous to dropping it. You'd think you'd find a gentler, more generous way to deliver this news. I am not only reeling from what the fuck I'm going to do now? but what kind of betrayal am I experiencing right now? How can I have laid out my heart and soul to someone who has so easily spit on them? Because, read this with complete belief in how genuine it is, I loved her. Like a sister. I cared for her more than I've cared for someone in a long time. I had believed that she also cared for me like that. She's the one that used the term "best friend" first. I can't tell you what we've been through together. Really bad shit. I've had two best friends in my life. Katie Renville, who died suddenly in a car accident during college, and Sarah Wolstein, who has hurt me more profoundly than anybody else on this earth could at this moment. I am a good person. My love is worth a lot. And not only was more than a year's worth of my love just rejected, but I was severely emotionally injured. She knew me. She knew me. She knows how this is pulling my world apart.

My therapist is going to have a great time sorting this trip out.

Am I going to travel alone? Am I going to complete this trip? I have a deposit already paid on the Inca Trail the last week of January. Is this possible? To travel through Panama, Colombia, Ecuador, Peru, Bolivia, Chile, Argentina, Uruguay, Brazil, and Guyana alone?

Please write to me. I need you now. Write anything and everything you want. Write advice, support, I-told-you-so, I don't care. Just write to me.


Elizabeth said...

Finish the trip. Don't leave. Stay stay stay.

Lauren Noll said...

I agree with Elizabeth. How you deal with moments like this is character defining. Love you, Laura. You look beautiful in all of your pictures.

Rebecca said...

I am going to disagree and say that if you don't want to stay for another 4-5 months by yourself, I fully support you coming home. I wouldn't want to travel by myself.

BUT. For sure stay for at least another few weeks, get past this hurdle, and see how you feel about it then. You are under no obligation to anyone to stay any longer than you want to - or to come home any sooner than you want to.

This situation sucks, and I'm sorry.

Go find someone friendly to talk to and pour your heart out over coffee.

Sara said...

Just be happy and safe my friend. You'll know what you want to do.

Anonymous said...

This too shall pass. It's a reflection on Sarah, not you. There are better friends and loves up ahead on the road of life.

Anonymous said...

omg!! my heart goes out to you. you are going to have to reach deeper inside yourself than you have ever had to before and figure out what would be best for you to do. I know as well as everyone else that you are a amazingly strong individual that can finish this trip and come out from it a much wiser and experienced person. BUt you have to do what you think is right for you. You will not be alone< you will have us and people you will meet along the way... Be safe : )

Maddie M.

Victoria said...

I think you should definitely stay for a while and see what happens and how you're feeling. Think of all the incredible experiences you'd be passing up if you came home early. And coming back sooner might even make you feel worse. It's getting really cold. Imagine if you came back early, and one frigid morning the thought crossed your mind that you could be somewhere warm and beautiful, traveling and learning and experiencing things. Whoever this girl is, it's bullshit what she's doing to you, hands down. But think about what an incredible opportunity this is, for you to now travel to all those new places and be alone with your thoughts and make new connections with the people you'll continue to meet. You don't ever want to regret anything. It's more likely that you'd regret cutting your travels short. What are the odds that in the future you'll look back and say, "I'm glad I came home early and didn't do the Inca Trail. I'll just do that some other time." :) Stay strong, Laura. You'll get through this.

Anonymous said...

Hey! I agree with Rebecca! What are the chances?

Laura: you can do whatever you want. Sure, the trip could be great. But you shouldn't drag yourself from country to stressful country cursing Sarah the whole time and the trip that could have been. You totally could go back and do whatever your heart desires later. Or not. No choice is going to indicate that you are a superior person. You are who you are no matter how many stamps your passport has.

Of course, I don't know all the ins and outs of the situation, but it seems that Sarah has made a selfish choice; I think the two of you had committed to travel together and if she has reneged on that, it certainly doesn't speak well of her at this moment in time (we all live and learn). You won't need a therapist, once you have some distance from the situation, I think you can go back to what Sarah has said about herself on this very blog and see that she is now treating you as she has treated everyone else in her life. Kristoffer would do well to read those posts, too, but he probably won't see that part of her until she has finished with him, either.

I'd love for Sarah to comment here, so we can have one last back and forth.

Dad has strictly forbidden me from any I told you sos and since I rather like Sunday dinner at his house, I'll abide. But if you need something extra to read, feel free to go back and read some of my old e-mails to you. And forward them on to Sarah, too--clearly, she could use some good advice.

baboonbeth said...

Laura. I wish i knew more what was happening and ALSO that I had talked to you before you left-it's been way too long since we talked, and I want you to know that I still consider you one of my very close friends, incredibly important in my life.

Even though I haven't talked to you in so long, because I KNOW you and many of the things you have gone through in the past, I know how incredibly important this trip is to you and how devastated you must feel after giving so much of yourself to someone. Everything you said about your love being worth so much is true. You are a loving, true-to-your-friends person. I know that because I have experienced it. Keep believing it.

I agree with Sara and Rebecca--first just really make sure you are safe and give yourself the time you need to sort out how you want to proceed. You will figure it out. And find some quiet spots in nature where you can do some communing with your own self and whoever/whatever you connect with on a greater scale outside yourself (in a spiritual sense). Some of my most spiritual and calming moments lately have been sitting under "my" tree in the beautiful park next to my house. It cradles me every time and gives me strength to continue when I get into my frantic states.

Trees are good like that...

As, I imagine, are South American beaches and rivers and mountains...

love you.

Lauren Noll said...

I feel like a giant d-bag now. Hope you don't think I meant how you deal with this is character defining and only in a positive way if you choose to stay. I just mean don't go home only because it didn't work out as planned. You should most importantly be safe, and secondly feel at peace with the choice you make. How you deal with these big events in life IS character defining, but there aren't any right or wrong choices. I'm sorry you're facing this alone right now. You WILL be stronger because of it, and while that's not comforting in the present while this is most painful, I hope you feel a sense of strength in the long term.

Nikki said...

I can't say anything new to what everyone else has said, but I must say I've been so impressed with how you've handled yourself since the two of you parted ways. I don't know if I'd have the strength to be alone in a foreign country and still have such adventures and such good times! I hope you stay if you decide it's what you really want, and I hope whatever happens you get everything out of this trip that you wanted, and even more!


Amy-Alisa said...

Ugh. I can't stand that you are going through this. I'm truly sorry, Laura. Sarah is proving to be a very disappointing travel companion. Being flaky (or for a nicer word, impetuous) is not really something you want when you are not in your element. I know mom really wants you to stay for the Machu Pichu hike, but I would have a really hard time staying for another 2 months. Trav and I were homesick after a few weeks in Mexico also. I wish I could fly down right now and keep you company, but besides my responsibilities here, I don't even have a passport. You know that we would LOVE to have you here for the holidays!

Anonymous said...

Uh, I'm not sure that Machu Pichu thing is true, Amy. I haven't spoken with Mom specifically about Laura going to Machu Pichu, but I am positive, Laura, that Mom wants you to be happy and comfortable, wherever you decide that can best be accomplished. [My guess is that if Mom specifically mentioned MP, it is because she herself would like to go and/or it's the only name of a place you are going to that she can remember off the top of her head.]

Of course we would be happy to have you here for the holidays, but we would also be happy for you to continue traveling, even if you feel you now have to do it a bit differently.

I don't know how much your deposit was, but I don't think any amount of money is worth a month+ of discomfort, disappointment, and feeling insecure. If you can't feel good about the trip, forfeit the money, I say.

Do what you want--good luck figuring out what that is. But you know what? Nothing is irreparable: continuing the journey is doable and coming home after 2 months worth of adventure is just dandy, too. Even if you later decided that you regretted that, you could do a re-do on the trip--you already have all the stuff.

Don't stress, just choose a path, and it will be just fine.

Meg said...

There's a lot of good advise here and I'm pretty sure I can't add a whole lot. I do agree with those that have said to give yourself some time to decide what you're going to do. Don't rush it. Also, I love you even if I don't always understand you. My thoughts are with you.

Anonymous said...

Laura I want to email you - whats your address?

Sven said...

I wish I had something insightful to add, but I don't. Like Meg said, there is a lot of good advice here. If I had anything to add, it would be this: Please know that you have my (our) support with whatever you choose. I really enjoy hearing about your adventures though. And, like Amy, I wish I could fly down there and hang out with you, but I've got law school finals... and a wife. Good luck with your decision.

Anonymous said...

Does someone have Laura's Email address?

Sheree said...

I'm sorry that you're sad and hurt.

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