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Monday, November 23, 2009

Mi maestra

Maybe my favorite thing about Antigua has been spending time with my spanish teacher, Cony. Meeting every weekday for 4 hours, and conversing for all that time, has allowed us to get to know each other pretty well. It has been so wonderful getting to know so many things about her life-- one which is so different from mine. She has had plenty of difficulties and unfairness to deal with, plenty of heartbreak too. And she emerges a strong, self-assured woman. Honestly, the way that she deals with life, she seems more than just one year older than me.

Throughout this difference of expectations, regarding the trip and Sarah, Cony keeps telling me how I can't fully rely on or trust anyone. Because, as the Guatemalan saying goes, even my own self could betray me because even my own shadow could frighten me. I'm not sure how best to translate that, but it really struck me as both beautifully poetic, and so sad. I have been burned before. In my formative youthful years, I had several friends just suddenly decide I wasn't cool enough to be friends with. Or people have turned out to be more meaningful to me, than I was to them. And still, I optimistically resolve that I should be able to put all of my trust into someone. People should be able to rely on each other like that. Yes, currently I feel pretty burned, but I hope this doesn't mean that I will never trust anyone else in the future. But Cony insists, time and again, you can't rely on anyone else entirely. Only God (she is pretty religious/spiritual).

So it causes me to imagine my life, if I were only ever to fully rely on myself, no one else. Yes, I can trust other people partially, but never fully. And it seems potentially lonely. Though perhaps less painful. Is that tradeoff worth it?

I don't know how she remains such a positive, cheerful person, when she feels she can only rely on herself. Or how she can be so strong, when all she has is herself. That's truly impressive. I'm glad I've had this time with her.

4 comments:

Rebecca said...

In this regard, I'm optimistic. I think closing yourself off to trusting someone is just sad and lonely and ultimately much more painful than trusting and getting hurt. Stay open. No one is perfect, and no one will be exactly what you need/want all the time. But. There are people you can trust.

Rebecca said...

PS - We are NOT EVER on skype at the same time. This is disappointing.

Severin said...

I think you can trust me. I think...

Anonymous said...

But isn't there a difference between trust and dependence? You can't be dependent on other people, but trying to trust them isn't so bad.