Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Open up your plans and, damn, you're free.

Oh friends, I had a couple of intensely bad days last week. The wonderful thing about having such dark hours, is that those are the times when you recognize what a lucky girl you are for having a few people in your life who just really love you. It's so easy to allow yourself to stop believing you have these stalwart few, these gracefully indefatigable supports. Can I say, especially when you're single? I don't get that daily, physical reminder that another human being loves me. I genuinely think I am a lovely person, and it's still a surprise, a beautiful little discovery, when I witness someone's selfless care for me.

I can only hope I return it in kind.

For the second time, in less than a year, I have been given notice to vacate my little home. There are a few reasons why this lovely surprise brought me crumbling to my knees on Thursday. It's true, there have been things about my little nest in the Village that have been less than satisfactory. But living in this neighborhood is genuinely one of my favorite things about my life right now. (Wise words from la soeur: 'then more things need to change in your life, Laura.') I felt like that big piece of happiness was being robbed from me. Because you know what? You can't find 2-bedroom apartments in Greenwich Village for the rent I pay.

I also have about 2 1/2 weeks to find a new place. A permanent place, because I am not a college kid anymore and I have a real life, with real things. And that feels like an exceptionally tall order when piled upon my demanding job. In addition to, you know, packing and actually moving and then unpacking. Which in itself is exceptionally tiring. Do you know how short 2 1/2 weeks are?

How many times must I gather my life into boxes and carry them across this City?

I also feel like I am currently trying (struggling) to answer some Big Life Questions. I'm trying to allow myself the time to explore them enough to adequately offer myself an answer, and having the stability of a home threatened while I'm trying to explore those Questions is just... a bit overwhelming. And making a big choice about where I'm going to live, for how long, for how much, on or off a lease, when I have not answered those Questions is also just a bit much. I know I'm being vague. I would so prefer not to be, but you know, this is the world wide web, after all. If we went out for coffee I could really unload on you.

Nothing feels right when your home is in flux. Keep your fingers tightly crossed for me. I am trying to take things moment by moment, day by day, and not fall apart. Again.

And as for those Big Life Questions, change is sometimes exciting, and always scary, but nothing is gained when nothing is risked, and what, my friends, is the point of that? I'd be getting nowhere, and pretty damn slowly at that, and that would certainly not make me happy.


Lindsay said...

I had to go through all of the apartment search process but it was more difficult sine it was abroad, in Argentina. I was going to be there for a whole semester and I had to rent an apartment in buenos aires for six months and do all that from the States. I wanted to have everything arranged by the time I got there. I´m lucky I had a friend that had done it before and recommended me a great rental company. I was very pleased with the service they gave me!